Q & A, Week 6

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Q & A

Jack hall asks: Do you like cows?

Cows are great, but elephants are better!

I don’t know you Jack Hall, but I must say I like your style. To answer your question, cows are stupid animals who eat, fart and poop all day. So, it safe to say I am insane with jealousy. I therefore do not like cows.

Scott Wilson asks: I imagine I am supposed to know this, but what is a “rave”? (Scott is my father-in-law)

A rave is a party for young people with lights shows, loud music and rampant drug and alcohol abuse. Behind becoming a cow, it is the thing I would most like to do in my life. I don’t really see it being your scene, but then again, you may be the life of the party, provided you follow these three rules. First: wear a banana hammock and paint your entire body with glow in the dark paint. Second: Suspend your dislike of loud, pulsating music and learn to groove to such bands as “Schpongle” and “Infected Mushroom.” Third: Drop acid. It may not go especially well with your diabetes medication, but that definitely WON’T be the weirdest drug concoction at the party. So go, live free and have a good time. Let me know how it goes.

Larissa asks: How do you deal with kids that don’t follow the rules (aka act like assholes) when they play at your house?

I think this may be one of our friends using an assumed name wondering what to do when Malcolm comes over. I’ll answer it anyways. Kids who act like assholes need to be broken, like a wild mustang. After experimenting with different approaches, I have decided on the oven as my primary means of dealing with repeat offenders.  After a kid breaks the rules for the third time, I take out the shelves in the oven and stuff the kid right in there. I then get down and tell them through the window that I am going to turn on the broiler if they don’t start behaving. Older, taller kids may not fit in there, so you’ll have to double them over like a slice of pizza. After sweating them out for a few minutes, you’ll transform those zeroes to heroes.

Kramer posits the following: I am 19 years old and a freshman in college.  I have 2 roommates, one is my older brother and the other is a random senior from our football team that’s like 25 and moving out after this semester.  Recently (about the past 2 weeks) he decided to quit cleaning anything included dishes.  Half of our sink is now full of dirty dishes and the pile has spread to take up half of our counter space.  He’s lived in the house for 4 years now and is older than me, how do i tell him to pick up after himself because I’m sick of our house smelling like shit?

Kramer. At many points during my life, I have been the “dirty senior” you speak of, and I can honestly tell you that it is very important not to hurt his feelings. The slob, if frightened will nervously spray you with shit, and trust me, you don’t want that. The easiest thing to do is just give up and become a total slob yourself. You can learn a lot about yourself if you live in complete and utter filth. Will you eat garbage? How long can you go in the same underwear? Is mold really bad for you? It is time to start learning and stop cleaning. Good luck!

Great questions people keep ’em coming!

Q & A, Week 5

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Q & A
Laurie from Big Sky asks: Any advice on making my teenager’s shoes smell better?

Yes. Every night, put the rotting carcass of a fish in our your own shoes. It will take some getting used to, but this is pretty much the only way to grow to accept the youthful smelly shoe problem. I suffered from it myself, with my shoes being described as “rank” and “unholy” and everything in between. Somehow the bodies’ PH levels change over time, as my shoes now smell like a wonderful apple orchard in fall. Don’t know why, it just happened. Keep tight, and in about 15 years, the problem will resolve itself. Then, and only then, should you stop putting rotting fish in your shoes every night.

You’re welcome!

Tony from Albany asks whether he should feel bad that his infant saves up a poop for when his wife walks in the door from work.

Absolutely not. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Parenting a child is not the mutual, supportive team oriented game that some make it out to be. No, parenting is war, and a no-holds-barred type of war at that. It is a constant struggle to see who can put in the least amount of work and still have the kid like them the best. You should be laughing out loud when you walk out of the room and say something to the effect of, “That’s funny, he doesn’t take a dump every time he sees me. Hmmph. Strange.”  Even if your kid has pooped 12 times while your wife was gone, lie to your wife and say that you never had to. You: 1, Wife: 0.

Big Daddy Bob (my very own dad) from Bakersfield asks: “Where did we go wrong?”

You had kids!

Never saw this one coming, eh? BTW, that IS beer in that baby bottle...

Never in a million years did you think one day you’d be reading the profanity laced silliness from your sweet little child on the internet. Well, kids are really good at surprising their parents. Most of the time it isn’t the good, “Hey, I washed your car for you!” kind of surprise, it’s the “Hey, I got arrested!” or “Hey, can I borrow some money?” kind of surprise. I guess it goes with the job. Whether it’s stinking up the car with nasty smelling sneakers, pooping on cue when mommy comes home, or creating shock and awe with a risque blog, kids make it difficult for parents to like them. And yet, parents find a way. I am not sure what your plans on sunday are, but maybe it would be a good time for you to give one of your parents a good kind of surprise. I know I am. So, to all you moms out there, I say to you, Happy Mother’s Day.

Q & A, Week 4

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Q & A, Uncategorized

Wow, a whole month of answering readers juiciest dilemmas. I would like to start this post by announcing a few things. First, we got 100 fans! That is so totally cool. Someday, when this blog has 10,000 fans, you can say you were fan #43. Second, the wicked cool folks at Wayfire Media have recently added a “like” button to each post, so, if you like what you see, hit the “like” button. Lucky for me, Facebook doesn’t have an “don’t like” button. Whew. On to the questions!

Diane from Tinseltown has a problem: Her friend has two kids, but no partner. When at social gatherings, the friend asks Diane to look after the kids so that the friend can socialize and drink. Diane is targeted for this duty more often because she is one of the few childless people at the parties. She wants to know whether she should say something.

Diane, you have a couple of options. First, you could pop out a couple a kids yourself! I am sure that your friend was in the same shoes as you and was being asked to look after other kids all the time. What better excuse is there to not look after other kids than have a stable of your own! Knowing you, I am thinking 8 sounds about right. Another option would be to do something drastically idiotic, ensuring that no one will ever ask you to look after their kids again. (This is my favorite!) One easy way to accomplish this would be to start nursing a preschooler. If your friend sees you bringing a protesting four-year-old to your boob, odds are, that’s the last the four-year-old will ever see of you. Shouting loud profanities at the kids will also do the trick (“PUT THAT FUCKING TRUCK DOWN, YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT!” would suffice.) You could talk things through and tell her how it makes you feel, but I am not sure you could have that conversation without sounding like a complete A-hole. I think your strategy is the right one. Agree to look after the little ones, but after you’ve served your time, tell the mom she is back on duty and then hit the bottle. Hard.

Old Man Conrad from (as Malcolm calls it) Missesota asks: “Why does your copyright notice say you wrote this stuff in 2009?  Are you selling us recycled posts?!”

Conrad is avid reader of the blog, and he just turned 40, so Happy Birthday Conrad!!! I bought 500 blog posts in 2009 from a stay at home dad in India. It only cost me $100, so I think it’s been a pretty good deal. After another 280 or so posts, I will be ready to come up with some new material.

Tracy temporarily from Oklahoma asks: “At what age is it first appropriate to let your child carry a concealed weapon?”

If this kid ever gets a gun, I'm dead!

Good question. Wait, what? That’s a horrible question. Who would ask such a thing?! Oh, the Oklahoma Legislature is currently debating this. Mmmkay. I guess if I had to answer, though, I would say that the best time for gun violence to start would be thirteen. I am totally mortified of the teenage years anyways (rampant, sex drugs and rock and roll,) so you might as well throw guns into the mix. That way, I would never, ever be free of worrying. Now that I think of it, Diane this could be another way of solving your problem. Start arming the kids, and you’ll be free and clear!

Great Q’s this week people! If you haven’t submitted a question, yet, do so now. I am keeping score, and you don’t want to lose.

Q & A, Week 3

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Q & A

So, the pickens are getting a bit slim around here. That means you all need to figure out what about your lives is bothering you and fire me a question. (The link is on the left.) If you don’t, I’ll start answering Malcolm’s questions, and trust me, no one has the time for that.

Amy from Oakland asks: At what age do children wipe their own butts?

I really care about this question. Why, you ask? Every time Malcolm poops, he screams as loud as he can, “DADDY WILL YOU COME WIPE MY BUTT?” Then it is my duty to stop whatever I am doing and then go clean up his dirty bits. I am not fond of either performing this act, or his ordering me to do it. I would love for him to start cleaning himself and give me a small amount of dignity back.

He can't wipe his butt, but he sure can milk a plastic cow!

Having done some internet research and found that there are seven-year-olds who aren’t wiping themselves, but three-year-olds that are, I have determined that it is not the age of the child that is important, it is the desire of the parents. (By the way, never do a google search on “old butt wiping,” and never, ever click on four or five of the links. You’d be shocked at what’s on the internet!) Armed with this knowledge, I am going to teach Malcolm how to wipe himself and then be done with it. I am squarely behind any parenting technique that involves me having less to do.

Anonymous asks: Why do I take out my ear buds when I want to ogle women at the gym?

Good question, Brad. Although I haven’t seen the inside of a gym for a few years, I am a relative scholar when it comes to the subject of ogling women. Men are simple creatures, and when a beautiful female is present, straight men are capable of performing only one task. Thus, if a man is ogling, he cannot do simple things like listen to music, read or even finish a sentence. Hence, your ear bud removal. If you plan on ogling regularly, please review my rules for engagement in this post.

Scott in Reno asks: Can we attach a picture to a comment?

No, this is mainly because my throngs of adoring fans would constantly be sending in pictures of their children wiping their own butts. For some reason, my fans like to stick it to me. I have heard, though, that a picture is worth a thousand words, so instead of inserting a picture into the comment, draft a thousand word essay on the pictures and post it as a comment. It will get the job done.

Q & A, Week 2

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Q & A, Uncategorized

So, it looks like if I get enough questions every week, I will be able to make friday’s post a response to all of your queries. This, of course, depends on people continuing to submit questions, though. If I have to make the stuff up, you will have to endure both the questions I create for myself and the stupid answers I come up with. Trust me, you don’t want that.

Amy upstairs asks, “What do you do if you’re at a park, it’s lunchtime, and you’ve forgotten the backpack with the food in it?”

This has NEVER happened to me, though I can always empathize with parents who are less awesome than I. This is where you have to use your kid as an asset. Approach all the other parents that are eating at the park and beg for food, using your child as a prop. For the best results, use the words “diabetic” and “glycemic coma.”   If things get really dire, tree bark and dandelions have nutritional value. Wild mushrooms do too, but  avoid them unless your child is misbehaving and you want to send them to the ICU.

Brad in the sticks asks, “Where can I get Moonlight beer in bottles?”

Everywhere! Tonight, ake a bottle of beer outside and hold it up against the moon. Bang! Moonlight beer in a bottle. You are welcome. (That is the only way to get moonlight beer in a bottle, as the Moonlight label is only sold in kegs.) Very soon our stay-at-home dads group will be brewing their own beer, and will make all other beer obsolete. Fret not.

Jean in Reno asks, “Are there any inexpensive places to play golf in Palm Springs?”

Can we get an Orange Julius at the turn?

Palm Springs is quite pricey and golf there usually costs in the $100-$200 range. There are some non-tradional golf venues though that can cut down on the costs. On option is the mall, where the other golfers may technically be “shoppers.” I am pretty sure they are cool with this at Valley Mall in High Desert Springs, as long as you yell, “Fore!” when coming close to the blue haired power-walking crowd. Another option is to drive out into the desert and wander aimlessly looking for the ball you just hit. Careful, though, as the rattlesnakes will try and kill you. A third option is golfnow.com which carries discount tee times for regulation golf courses.  That is the easy way out though.

OK, have a great weekend everyone! Take a look at the fans page on Facebook. It’s getting very close to a round number. I’m not telling you how to live your life, I’m just saying.

Q & A, Part I

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Q & A

Thanks to all for submitting questions! Here are the first few…

Debra in the UK asks “How old is too old for an imaginary friend?”

I am not quite sure about this one, as I had imaginary girlfriends in my life up until my early twenties. Imagine my surprise, then, when I went out on a “real” date and found out that real women don’t enjoy bacon and swearing as much as I thought they might. Needless to say, there was an adjustment period. Imaginary friends can be good for entertaining young ones on long car rides and extended periods of time being locked in the basement. It’s always a trade-off. Imaginary friends are fun, but they come at the expense of making real live connections with other kids. Having said that, most other kids suck. Let your kid have fun with their imaginations and save yourself the hassle of him/her picking up other kids’ bad habits..

Russ in SoCal asks, “We need to sleep train our 6 month old but have no idea which method to use.  Should we let our kid cry it out, or let him have his pacifier, or what? We need to do something!”

There’s a reason bourbon was invented and this is it. Six months is a little young to be doing shots, so I would make him a cocktail (unless he is still breastfeeding, then you can just have your wife down a bucket of bourbon and let nature do the work for you!) I suggest a “kiss on the lips,” a mixture of bourbon and apricot nectar. A drunk baby will soon be a sleeping baby, I guarantee it. Actually, most of your job as parents will be to piss your kid off, so might as well start now. Let him cry it out.

Brad from east of the tunnel asks, “Who wins in a fight; a heffalump or a snark?”

I didn’t know how to handicap this one, so I did a little research. Heffalump is a elephant found in Winnie the Pooh tales. He steals honey and consorts with woozles (woozles, for your information, wear mullets and acid-washed jeans and smoke crack.) On the other hand, snarks are fictional creatures made up by Lewis Carroll. Lewis Carroll seemed like he did a lot of drugs, so my thinking is that the snark will grow disinterested, allowing  the Heffalump to squash its brain. Heffalump in the 6th.

Thanks for the questions, I didn’t even get to them all this week. I’ll get to the rest and more next week!