BigDaddy Paul Got An Apple Watch!

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Mayonnaise Face

OK, I have come to the point in this blog where I don’t know what to do. I started Bigdaddypaul to detail my experiences as a stay at home dad. Then, it morphed into an expat blog so that I could keep track of our time in France. Now that we are back in Oakland, I am a bit at a loss for what to blog about. Malcolm’s life is pretty much limited to school, sports, shaving stray cats and trying to get on the Republican ticket for 2016, so we don’t get into too many adventures anymore. What the heck should I blog about then?

The answer struck me while drunk and on a houseboat. Actually, many of life’s great questions are answered while drinking on houseboats. If you put me on a houseboat with the heads of state in the Middle East, we’d come up with a workable peace plan somewhere between early afternoon shots and pre-dinner margaritas. The only real downside of houseboats is that often you get too drunk to remember any of the great ideas you’ve come up with thing.

On a recent houseboat trip, we noticed that the new thing in Hollywood wasn’t to sell the celebrity, but rather the celebrity lifestyle. Why stop with putting Gwyneth Paltrow out there when you could have her whole brand available for consumption? The idea stuck and, voila, Goop was created. (On a related note, I’ve been trying to spread my goop around for years and people aint having none of it. Must be the timing?) With these new lifestyle brands, stars allow you to see inside their world: what they eat, what they wear and questions they would ask their doctor if they weren’t completely obsessed with the stuff coming out of their butts. Sadly, the pubic is eating up these brands. Almost anyone who is anyone now has a lifestyle brand. For every Jay Z or Drew Barrymore out there who’s got a line of lifestyle products to hawk, there’s also a Shay Mitchell, whoever the fuck that is, begging you to try her technique for making vases out of pineapples. I shit you not!

So why not me? I am interesting. I have exquisite tastes in fabric. I ask Doctors all sorts of interesting questions. I’m perfect! If you don’t think I am famous enough, please know that tens of people read this blog. Tens. Popularity isn’t a problem.

So, here we go. With this post, I am rolling out my new lifestyle blog. It’s a lot like a mullet: business on the sides and party in the back. I’m calling it, “Mayonnaise Face,” for obvious reasons. Reading these posts will not only satiate your curiosity as to how I live my life, it will also make you wildly popular at dinner parties. Here’s what it will be like:

You: Did you know that Bigdaddypaul has ten uses for nacho cheese that don’t involve nachos?

Them: Who’s that?

You: He’s this guy who doesn’t have anything better to write about.

Them: Oh. I don’t know who that is. Anyways, I gotta say that the concept doesn’t really make any sense. Nacho cheese is, by definition, used for nachos. If it is used for something else, it has to be called something else. It’s like that pineapple vase you got there, as soon as you scoop all the fruit out of it and fill it full of irises, it is no longer a pineapple. It’s an accessory. I think you’re friend there is a bit of a loser.

You: See how much fun we’re having!

So here we go. My first post as a lifestyle blogger is to review the Apple Watch. Enjoy!

Product Review: Apple Watch

Amy got me an Apple watch for my birthday this year. I had been searching for a new watch ever since the black market Tag Heuer I got in China turned the skin on my wrist black and then broke when a dog licked it. I was curious as to whether the Apple watch would be useful and secretly wanted one. OK, maybe not so secretly: I asked for one a few months beforehand. Still, when it arrived, I was ecstatic.

I got one in the larger size with a bright blue wristband. Part of owning any new technology is rubbing it in everyone else’s face and, even though the look is more suited on someone who reads Tiger Beat, people usually learn about my new watch within a minute or two of talking to me. My bright blue watch has the same showy effect as a baboon’s bright red ass. It’s ideal for someone who doesn’t have a workplace or, for that matter, regular human contact.

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I look at this picture and my only thought is, “I shoulda used a better looking apple.”

The watch is designed for lazy people who don’t like reaching into their pocket to grab their phone. It lets you conveniently read texts, emails, baseball scores, appointments, the weather, maps, or pretty much any app that you have on your phone. To access these features on the watch, you can either press the icon on the watch or have Siri open it for you, by saying, “Hey Siri,” and then repeating your command 10 or 20 times because Siri is a useless whore.

To be sure, there are times when the Watch is handy. If you go to the bathroom without your phone and you want… Haha, just kidding. Nobody goes to the bathroom without their phone anymore. While driving, if you get a text, you can read it and get it an accident without even taking out your phone! You can show how bored you are at meetings by simply looking at your watch. You can look like Captain James T. Kirk by walking down the street and talking into your watch (it acts as a mic during phone calls.) I bought an app that turns the watch into a range finder at the golf course, giving me distances to the hole and letting me keep score on my wrist.

One of the best reasons to own the watch are the health-related apps. It buzzes your wrist to give you alerts, and will do so to remind you when you have been sitting down too long. It will buzz you when you have reached your fitness goals during exercise. It measures your heart rate, but the best thing about it is that it vastly overrates your workout stats to make you feel good about your exercise for the day. I walked to the refrigerator for some salami and the step counter acted as if I ran a mini-marathon. My pants still don’t fit, but I feel great about my body!

The worst thing about the Apple Watch is that it will categorically fail if you try to show it to anyone. Its blank screen will only activate when you raise it to your face. If you swing it around to show it off to someone else, it will go blank again. If you try to open an app it will spin for a few moments and then shut off. I don’t need to tell you about Siri, she won’t help you. While I can set a timer easily or check the temperature of meat on the grill (thank you wireless BBQ thermometer!) I cannot, for the life of me, show anyone else the magic without it letting me down. It’s like that ugly person you dated in high school: you got along great and were fantastic in the sack together, but when you showed him/her/it to your friends they recoiled in terror, asking why you were going out with a sea turtle. Just be happy with your alone time with this watch.

Things it does: gives you quick alerts when your phone can’t, acts as a viewfinder when taking pictures with your phone, tells time.

Things it doesn’t do: make you popular, work, if you go away for the weekend and forget to bring the chord, do anything if your phone is far away or out of battery.

Realistic marketing byline: The Apple Watch: Conspicuous consumption for lazy people who want to make their lives incrementally better.