Big Daddy Paul’s Guide To Getting Fat

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Cooking and Eating

People are always asking me why I am so fat. At first, I took this to mean “phat,” so I would answer, “Because I got the flavor!” typically bringing about several moments of staring at one another blankly until the realization that it was more a comment about my girth than my grooviness. Now when someone asks my about being fat, I tell them I am not, in fact, fat, I’m just retaining nachos.

I have come to the conclusion that I would be better off if everyone around me put on a few pounds, so I am putting out this guide in the hopes that all you other folks become big like me. Between a swelling of all my friends and some crafty photo editing, I hope to feel like an emaciated Justin Beiber. Mind you, this is no “Dummies Guide To Getting Fat, where they tell you to eat onion rings for breakfast and use butter as toothpaste. No, this guide is phat, please enjoy.

Step 1- Finish your kids food. Kids food is awesome. If your kid is anything like mine, he/she is getting a healthy dose of grilled cheese sandwiches, macaroni and cheese or [insert cheese type] with [insert starch]. When kids don’t finish their meal, it is tempting to devour the remainder of the meal in the spare bedroom when no one is looking. Give in to this temptation. Kids can eat this stuff because they burn thousands of calories a day bouncing about the house and throwing tantrums (the amount of calories burned during a tantrum is staggering!) Adults not named Russell Crowe won’t usually burn near enough calories to support such a rich diet, meaning the cheese-carb combinations that kids revel in will go straight to your neck-fat. Give in, and plump up.

Step 2- Don’t clean your house. Cleaning is serious work, what with all the squatting, scrubbing and mopping involved. Take all the money you were planning on spending on organic produce and redirect it for maids and pork rinds. If you really want to go all out, you can just hire people to do any sort of work that requires physical exertion. Hire people to wash your car, play sports with your kids and even chew your food. (That’s no typo, I saw an add on Craig’s list for “Momma Bird Mandy” to come over to your house, chew up your food and then regurgitate it in your mouth. I found this prospect kind of enticing except for everything about it being totally disgusting.) The less you do, the better I’ll look.

Sno Cones just make you feel good, don't they?

Step 3- Go to theme parks. Theme parks are where diets go to die. I just took Malcolm to Gilroy Gardens, a place that celebrates all of the fine fruits and vegetables that California is able to grow. Too bad none of these fruits and veggies made their way onto the menu, leaving us to decide whether to feed our kids sno cones or slurpees for lunch. Of course, we had the option to wash it down with some churros, and follow it up with a refreshing snack of cotton candy and licorice afterwards. This place didn’t even have the high end amusement park fare, meaning we were left without any chance to have deep fried [insert any food imaginable]. I guess I needed some reason to anticipate the Alameda County Fair this year! Please, please, please go to an amusement park people. My hair is getting Bieberish just thinking about it.

Step 4- Go to Bakersfield. Bakersfield is known for being on many lists, including the lists for: America’s dirtiest city, America’s drunkest city, America’s fattest city, and America’s dumbest city. I go to Bakersfield to visit my parents, but I gotta say, going to a place where you are so thin, clean and smart has its rewards. I could go on an on about the strip malls full of processed foods that dot maps all over Bakersfield, but the real reason I want you to go here is for Dave’s tacos. This guy set up a taco truck (now a taco stand) and makes tacos with such an awesome distinctive sauce that you cannot resist shoving as many as you can in your pie hole before your stomach and nervous systems begin to shut down from overeating and spice poisoning. (If you want to see how good I think they are, check this post out.) I suggest a minimum of eight, although if you want bonus points (pounds) you can easily work your way into double digits. Sidle up to Dave and let the saddle bags grow!

Step 5- There is no step 5. If you have outsourced all physical activity, finished all your kids food, and traveled to Bakersfield and surrounding amusement parks, you are already well on your way to sweat pants nirvana. Thank you for your hard work, I can’t wait to stand by you in pictures and feel good about myself. Now I gotta go, Mandy is chewing up some popcorn for me…
Thanks again!

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2 responses to “Big Daddy Paul’s Guide To Getting Fat”

  1. JR Reed says:


    If you ever want a “How to Get Fat Part 2”, let me know. Apparently I know a lot about the subject!

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