Big Daddy Paul’s Guide To Getting Drunk

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Paul is a Dork
Is this the person you want to get advise from? Yes. Yes it is.

Is this the person you want to get advice from? Yes. Yes it is.

For those of you who read my blog for salient advise on parenting, today is just not your day. Today’s topic touches on adult themes and if you don’t enjoy the nectar of the gods, you might just want to skip this altogether. Then again, if you are reading my blog for salient advise on parenting, you probably need a heavy night of drinking to set your mind straight. You have been warned.

Many of us have a special event that is near and dear to our hearts that involves the heavy use of alcohol. For some it is a weekend in the wine country, swilling zinfandels with your oenophile friends and using words like “minerality.” Others enjoy copious amounts of green beer on St. Patrick’s day, and some just hit up the communion line too much (begging the question, “Is it a sin to repent for your sins too much?”)

My event is March Madness, college basketball’s yearly tournament to decide who is the national champion. I have been going to Reno for 10+ years to watch basketball, eat chicken wings, gamble all night and yes, drink. I am heading up again this weekend, and if past results are any indication of future performance, I will drink more by noon than I usually do in a week. I drink lots of beer during the day. I drink lots of bourbon in the evening. One year, I did a shot of Pinot. Pinot grigio. It was awesome, until it sucked really, really badly.

Having been in the trenches for a while, I feel a certain level of expertise. I thought I would share my expertise with you to help prepare you for your big day, whenever that may occur.

1. Prepare. There were times when I would abstain from drinking for a week under the guise of “Let’s make sure my body doesn’t have too many toxins in it before I get there.” This is not a good idea. Would you train for a marathon by abstaining from exercise for a week? Have you seen “There’s Something About Mary? Would you show up a hot date with a loaded gun? No, no you shouldn’t. You need to stretch yourself before binge drinking to build up your tolerance. I have undertaken a solid week of drinking to make sure my liver is top form. It is my way of telling my body, “get ready, ’cause this shit’s about to get serious.”

2. Drink lots of water. Back in the day, we could do consume whatever we wanted and the next day, breakfast would eliminate all manner of sins. That is no longer the case. If I don’t drink a boatload of water throughout the day, I look and feel like the Elephant Man pretty much all the next day. Water is your way of apologizing to your liver, and if enough penance is not given, you are serious trouble. Sadly this means I have to use the restroom about 20 times throughout the day. (I used to bemoan this fact, but I have to tell you, the bathrooms in Reno are an endless supply of comedy gold. Like snowflakes, men at Reno urinals are all unique in their approach to bladder evacuation. Some unzip their fly and approach the activity with two hands on their hips. Others defensively hunch themselves around the urinal so that their private parts are untouched by the bad artificial lighting. Some sing country western songs. Some try and talk to you. I once saw a guy who did it with his pants around his ankles while hopping up and down every so often as if gravity had some sort of role to play.) Don’t miss the show. Drink water and go early and often.

3. Exercise. Wha, you say? You think I am just a big, fat slob, when I blow it out? Not true! You need to make sure your metabolism is strong to get all that alcohol through your system. I have done lunges around the slot machine banks while the black jack dealer is shuffling.  When I win a particularly big hand, I recreate the “Maniac” montage from Flashdance, dancing in place while imagining a giant bucket of water is falling over me. I do squats at the tables whenever I have been sitting for too long. Wherever you are, there are opportunities to move your body around. Use them, even if everyone around you starts to think you may have Tourrette’s.

4. Soak it up, then try to eat something healthy. After a long night of tying one on, you need some grease in your system to soak up all the remaining booze. I recommend anything that begins with, “chicken fried.” Bacon is also good (sorry Laurie!) When you have your baseline in, trying eating something remotely healthy, like a salad. After eating nothing but chicken wings and onion rings for a 36 hour period, I once felt like the grease in my system came halfway up my eyeballs. You are much better off if you pile some veggies on top of your baseline junk food. Plus, it’ll give your intestines something new and interesting to tackle.

5. Make sure you aren’t the only one. If people around you are engaged in similarly feats of degeneracy, then things will generally be pretty fun. If you find yourself slurring words at a child’s birthday party, you’re doing it wrong. Plus, drunk people have poor memories. Sober ones? Not so much. The only thing worse than making an ass out of yourself is hearing all about it the next day. (“And then you told the pit boss he looked like Meryl Streep before dumping and ashtray on your head!”) Not fun.

6. Stay off social media. Oh, you’ll be tempted to share your mind-bogglingly great idea with the world at 3 am, but it’s probably not a good idea, in truth, and people will question their friendship with you. Specifically, don’t take the opportunity to tell people how you REALLY feel about them, don’t post pictures with random strangers and, I can’t stress this enough, DO NOT MAKE OVERTURES TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER WHILE INTOXICATED. It always comes out wrong. I once tried to express my affection to Amy by telling her how, after a group of us were trapped in an elevator with a male prostitute who wanted to get a look at our nether regions, I was soooo glad she wasn’t creepy and desperate. Luckily, I was too drunk to enter the password on my phone.

Lastly, keep an eye out for when your day is done. If people are laughing at the things you do, keep doing it, even if it means that your are no longer wearing every article of clothing you started out the day with. If people roll their eyes at you and whisper things to your friends, it probably means you should hit the sack. Similarly, if you replace the letter “S” with the “TH” sound, you’re done. (Want me to give an example? “I’m tho thorry I thpilled my drink on your blouth. = bedtime.)

Well, there you have it. I try to follow these simple rules as much as I can. Of course, they are really goals and we sometimes don’t fully reach our goals. Do your best. (Really, that is my way of telling you I am really NOT going to eat a salad.) Let me know how it goes.


One response to “Big Daddy Paul’s Guide To Getting Drunk”

  1. Regina says:

    Do you wear a beer hat too?

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