Big Daddy Paul’s Guide To Feeling Thin

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Paul is a Dork

You may have noticed that the title for this post is a bit odd. “But Paul,” you ask, “Why would you bother feeling thin when you can just be thin?” After seeing thin people for as long as I have during my life, I have come to the conclusion that they just work too fucking hard. They exercise. They exercise a lot. They REALLY exercise, too. They don’t consider climbing on a chair to reach the red vines you have hidden away from your kid in the top of the cupboard as “exercise.” They probably don’t even eat red vines, now that I think of it. For that matter, they don’t eat nachos, swill popcorn and wine on the couch at night and definitely don’t consider bacon a separate food group (the best one, too!) To me, skinny people do too much of the things I don’t like to do and not enough stuff I like to do.

I have come to the realization that I won’t be skinny anymore, and that’s just fine with me. Better billowy and happy than gaunt and bitter. Just because I’m a few double doubles south of the ideal BMI for a person of my stature doesn’t mean I need to be sad about it, though. I do a lot of little things to make myself feel thinner. Curious? Here’s a sample:

1. I talk about how fat I am. I refer to myself on this blog as anywhere between “tubby” and “lardass.” When I speak about myself out in public, I say disparaging things like “When I sit around the house, I really sit around the house!” I constantly tell people I’ve just met that I need 3X underpants or the waistband gets worn out. Yep, I paint a pretty bleak picture of myself.

This has an alarming benefit though: whenever I see people, I’m not quite the orca they expect me to be. The disconnect between how I look and what people expect me to look like draws a good deal of attention. What do you say to someone who is marginally skinnier than you remember? Of course, you say, “You look skinnier! Working out?” And boom, I have them. People tell me I look great all the time. All the freaking time. Do I actually look great? No. Does it make me feel great when people say I look great? You betcha! Tell everyone you know how plump you’ve become, and when you see them next they’ll heap lavish praise on you for necessarily looking so. It’s a little embarrassing to point out your muffin top to your friends, but trust me, it’s worth it in the long run.

Incidentally, this works in a variety of different settings. If you tell people you have a tiny head, when you show up with a normal-sized melon they’ll be inclined to call you Q-tip. Mention how ugly you think you are and people will come out of the woodwork to tell you that you look like Brad Pitt. I don’t know what the science is behind this, but it’s true. The one situation where it won’t help you out is if you are about to engage in some consensual sex and announce to your partner, “Get ready, because my wiener is nearly microscopic!” That is usually met with a long, awkward silence and then a sudden memory of having to be somewhere else.

2. I wear long sleeve thermals. Thermals are Spanx for stay-at-home dads. In my mind, the thermal binds in all my lumpy bits, so the that the tee shirt I wear on top reveals only the tightly sculpted body of a German soccer referee. Is this the case? No. Remember, it doesn’t matter that I actually look like a giant German jelly doughnut, it only matters how I feel. With thermals on, I feel like Batman.

3. I weigh myself. A lot. I begin each day by hopping on the scale. You might think this unwise, but I merely use this early morning weigh-in as a baseline. Every time I do anything (and I mean anything) that would cause me to lose weight, I immediately rush back and re-weigh myself. This allows me to feel that, at the very least, my body mass is headed in the right direction. Play a round of golf? “Hey I just lost 2 pounds!” Healthy bowel movement? “Break out my skinny jeans?” Haircut? “I’m as light as a feather,and my mullet is tight!” Plus, I converted our scale to display weight in Stone (used as the official measure of weight in Britain.) It’s always nice to see your weight in double digits.

4. I wear long shorts. I resisted the modern trend toward obnoxiously long manpri’s for the longest time. Then I tried some on and thought that the long shorts magically lengthened my torso, making 14 stone look it was part of a more appropriate seven-foot frame. How strong was this magic? I thought that these made me look thinner:

This leads me to #5. When you actually feel good about yourself, never, ever take a picture. It ruins the mirage.

6. When all else fails, wear a hoodie. If you’re constipated, or can’t get a haircut, if your thermals are in the wash and nobody around you can stand any more self-depricating fat jokes about yourself, wear a hoodie. A hoodie is a cotton-blend fortress of solitude, keeping you impervious to any physical repercussions from eating too many Baconaters. This too is odd, since no one, in the history of hoodies, has actually looked good in one. Not in my mind though. In my mind, a hoodie is like a silk bath robe. Justin Bieber wears hoodies. Eric Estrada wears hoodies. That’s why Paul Schwartz wears hoodies. He may not be thin, but sure feels thin.

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