Big Daddy Paul Thinks He’s Better Than That

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Cooking and Eating

I don’t have that many issues. In a world beset with violence, disease, poverty and reality TV programming, I sit contentedly by, taking Malcolm to the park and writing this drivel three times a week. One thing that does seem to strike a chord with me, though, is kids’ eating habits. Kids today eat garbage and for some reason it really irritates me. I know that I ate crap growing up (think bacon-flavored easy cheese on top of a Slim Jim) and I want Malcolm to have an appreciation of fresh fruits and vegetables BEFORE he hits the ripe old age of 35. That is my issue, and I am sticking to it. (Just to recap, Darfur: pass, homeless vets without access to health care or jobs: pass, fake-tanned New Jersey kids with bad hair: tempting, but pass. Kids eating Doritos for breakfast. FAIL. LET’S TAKE IT TO THE STREETS!!!)

Cake? What cake? I haven't had any cake. Where's a bat?

I care about this because I see the way Malcolm acts when he eats sugar. Malcolm has his good days and his bad days, but I guarantee you this, if he eats a bunch of crap, he is going to be a train wreck. All kids are both Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde, and getting them to be the sweet, fun, turtleneck-wearing Mister Hyde is almost impossible if chocolate is involved. (Doctor Jekyll is easy: sugar, sleep deprivation or exposure to Barney.) So while a somewhat healthy diet isn’t going to guarantee that Malcolm doesn’t make me want to chain him to the radiator, it sure is an important first step.

While at Malcolm’s summer camp sign in yesterday, I quickly glanced over the items that the other parents were planning to bring in for today’s potluck. I had planned on bringing some quick and easy spaghetti, but I decided after reading the “entree” list that an upgrade was in order. Hot dogs. Nachos. Kraft Mac N Cheese. (How do I know it was Kraft? It said so right there on the list!) My mind sprang into action attempting to come up with something that would actually serve a nutritional purpose, while still looking appetizing enough to compete with culinary heavy hitters like nachos and Kraft’s take on bright orange “micro penises.” After all, Ms. Delaware may be healthiest girl at the pageant, but if she has cauliflower ears and a spinach mustache, she isn’t going to become Miss America.

Taking all this into account, I rearranged my spaghetti into something somewhat healthy. Instead of the canned spaghetti sauce that contains sucralose or something called “acesulfame” (give ya a dollar if you can pronounce it!) I made my own, using some fresh pork sausage, whole tomatoes, and 2 hours of cooking time. To that, I added an equal part butternut squash puree, and the results were tasty. Not the best thing I ever made, by any sense of the imagination, but maybe, just maybe, some kid will eat it instead of the gross stuff. Will Miss Delaware edge out Miss Donut-Nachos. We’ll see!

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3 responses to “Big Daddy Paul Thinks He’s Better Than That”

  1. Annie says:

    I’m impressed!! Now if we can just get cilantro into your diet, you will have it made.

  2. Scott says:

    Malkie will love it when he remembers that Dr. Jekyll was the good guy!

  3. Rich says:

    I think you are on to something. Donut-nachos sound super delicious. 😛

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