Big Daddy Paul Is An Asshole

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Daddy Stories

I know this may seem rather surreal, considering how suave and awesome (suasome?) I seem to most of you. The truth is, I am friendly to pretty much everyone on this planet. I wave hello to the garbage dudes in the morning, tip my cap to the thieves breaking in to my neighbor’s houses, and, when it is really hot outside, I make sure to douse the Cal Trans workers at the side of the road with any liquids I have lying around the car. Yep, I am pretty much a saint to almost everyone who knows me.

I generally try to take all the fun out of being a kid. Needless to say, making my kid look like a business coming home from a long day of work is pretty rewarding.

Malcolm, however, thinks I am a complete dick. To him, I am merely the rotten caretaker who enforces a litany of mean-spirited rules. These rules do nothing other than to make him miserable. Plus, he is pretty sure I eat all the ice cream after he goes to bed. Here are the rules that he frets about:

Rule #1- Beat your children. As appetizing as it might seem, don’t go Mommy Dearest and break out the clothes hanger on them. Instead, beat them at games. I beat Malcolm’s ass at Cribbage, my teams win baseball championships all the times, and around here I am known as the Monopoly Master. Sure, this leads to a fair amount of tantrums, but I think kids need a good dose of failure to get them comfortable with the idea. Think Kim Jong Il lost a lot of games of Scrabble growing up? Nope. Now he surrounds himself with yes-men, yes-women and yes-transgendered people who tell him how awesome he is at everything he does. Maybe it goes without saying, but please, please, please don’t raise your children to turn out like Kim Jong Il. Plus, it is more than a little satisfying to beat your kids at stuff when they have been giving you a lot of grief during the day. Win-win!

Rule #2- Never, ever buy your kids anything. I take a good deal of happiness in not buying Malcolm things he wants. I call it “Character Building,” others call it “Sadism.” Last week, we went to an amusement park, and Malcolm stopped at a merchandise cart to ask for some little toy. I said, “No.” The family we were with generously offered to get him something, as their kids really wanted a souvenir. I still said, “No!!!” I am no longer sure of the lesson I am trying to teach, but I am having fun depriving him anyways. Malcolm doesn’t think it is nearly as fun.

Rule #3- Always give them fewer treats than they want. If Malcolm were a robot, he would recite, “Give me candy” on a monotonous loop every single moment of the day. I generally rebuff his attempts to consume sugary treats, but there are times when sweets are totally appropriate. The thing is, it really doesn’t matter how much they get, as most of the excitement is that they get it at all. So, Malcolm gets a lot of half candy-bars, smallish pieces of cake and shared desserts. One time while camping, Malcolm only got two s’mores, while his buddies all got three. He looked at me like I was Kim Jong Il. I smiled like a crazy dictator.

To me, life is all about teaching your kids to deal with failure, disappointment and inequality. Making your kids miserable is highly rewarding experience, one that I enjoy often. Perhaps that’s why I’m not real popular around here. That’s cool. The Cal Trans people all love me.

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4 responses to “Big Daddy Paul Is An Asshole”

  1. Love it!

    We just went on a really cool vacation where I actually let the kids buy stuff and get dessert (most of the time) and they still thought I was a jackass for the times I said no. I shouldn’t have tried.

    • Most of the time, I just tell Malcolm he can’t have what he wants because he was misbehaving.

      “You can’t get ice cream because you didn’t clean up your puzzle last week.”

      It softens the blow a little.

  2. Bob says:

    So based on this, I must be finally figuring things out, just the other day my oldest said all my rules were causing her stress.

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