Bachelor Party

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Uncategorized

I love bachelor parties. Usually, they involve me getting quite drunk and making very bad decisions. I would go into detail about specifics, but there is a code of secrecy attached that cannot ever be broken. Plus, I don’t think you’d respect me if I told you that I once drank a whole bottle of Jagermeister and ate a parakeet. Oops, that kinda slipped out. Please don’t tell anyone.

When mommy's not around, we get to eat our feet!

I am currently on a bachelor party, except this isn’t the good kind. No, instead of doing Irish car bombs and giving lap dances to unsuspecting tourists, I will be spending all my time for most of the next three weeks with Malcolm, just he and I. Amy will be off at conferences and customer visits for a good chunk of time, leaving Malcolm and I to our devices while she is gone. What those devices are going to be remain to be seen. I can tell you what we probably aren’t going to be doing a lot of though:

Bathing. Amy is the chief reason that Malcolm and wash ourselves. As she goes, so goes our cleanliness. I am not saying that I enjoy being filthy, I just don’t see the point in hosing off if no one is going to be around to appreciate my pomegranate-scented hair. Malcolm, on the other hand, truly enjoys being filthy. Sure, we’ll clean up real nice right before Amy gets back, but until then, you might want to give us a few feet buffer if you see us out in the world.

Cleaning. Every second that I spend attending to the house is a second that I am not researching fantasy football. Normally, I make the sacrifice so that Amy can come home to a reasonably straightened abode. This week I am going to try and fix my sorry little team (0-2, so far and not looking good.) As such, it’s gonna look like a frat house and all the spiders around here will be smiling pretty wide when the flies start buzzing.

Eating well. Amy, to her credit, doesn’t eat crap. I do and sadly, I sometimes look forward to her extended absences. It’s gonna be one non-stop taco fiesta while she is gone. I’d tell you what else I plan on eating, except that there is nothing to add. I will eat tacos every single meal, and while it may turn me into cheese and sour cream laden whale, I’ll be a happy whale.

While Amy is off wearing business suits, presenting to hundreds of eager conventioneers and dining at four star restaurants, I’ll languishing in filth and watching the flies and spiders duke it out. Malcolm will be dodging large piles of laundry for his pretend baseball games and seeing how many days a milk mustaches can last. It’s not Vegas, but at least we’ll be happy.

One response to “Bachelor Party”

  1. Jean says:

    This makes me really look forward to seeing you guys next week!

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