Am I Literarial, Or What?

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Miscellaneous Waste of Time

I visited my friends Tunzel and Matt this past weekend.  They took me to Matt’s parents’ house in Maine and we had a splendid time.  Mostly, we ate and talked about where we were going to eat next.  They are truly good friends, as they put up with my whining about how cold it was and listened to me drone on and on about how much I know about everything.  They also politely ignored all the bad advice I dispensed about how they should lead their lives, not a difficult task considering I mistook hand saniti

zer for soap while in the shower and liberally applied a gob on my head.  (I could detail why I was using hand soap in lieu of shampoo in the first place, but it wouldn’t really help my cause out that much.) At least my hair is now sanitized, which is nice.

Tunzel gave me some feedback that the lame clip art that I use as eye candy for my blog is tired, and I need to use more pics of Malcolm and I.  Since they are both talented writers, they also told me that I needed to have a presentable “author photo” to use to show off my literary side.  I thought, “Better my literary side than my back side, so, without further adieu: My Author Photos.

#1 - Writers write books.  Maybe I wrote all those books behind me.  Maybe I read them all.  Either way, I'm pretty literate.

#1 – Writers read and write.  Maybe I wrote all those books behind me.  Maybe I read them all.  Either way, I’m pretty literate.

#2 - It is a well known fact that serious authors have menacing cats.  Tunzel and Matt told me so!  Such a pretty kitty. Such a serious author.

#2 – I have it on good authority that serious authors have menacing cats.  Tunzel and Matt told me so!  Such a pretty kitty. Such a serious author.

#3 - All that reading and writing causes good authors to need glasses.  Sometimes good authors think about things.  I am thinking these glasses don't taste very good.

#3 – All that reading and writing causes good authors to need glasses.  Sometimes good authors think about things while gnawing on their glasses.  I am thinking these glasses don’t taste very good.

Good authors usually write indoors, causing their skin to become a sad pale hue.  So, your pictures must be in black and white.  I am really hitting my stride here.

#4 – Good authors usually write indoors, causing their skin to become a sad pale hue.  So, your pictures must be shot in black and white.  Plus, check out the bitchin’ wildlife art in the background.  I am really hitting my stride here.

#5 - I got to thinking, if good authors need glasses because they read and write so much, then really good writers must need twice as many glasses.  Plus, I get to look down my nose at you, you with your shocking grammer. Don't dangle your prepositions here!

#5 – I got to thinking, if good authors need glasses because they read and write so much, then really good writers must need twice as many glasses.  Plus, I get to look down my nose at you, you with your shocking grammar. Don’t dangle your prepositions here!

#6 - I want people to think that I am so prolific that I have four hands to write with.  This really has it all, I am pale, blind as a bat and thoughtful.  Who wouldn't want to read my writing?

#6 – If I need twice as many glasses to do all that reading and writing, surely, I must need twice as many hands to be as prolific as I am.  I really got it all, I am pale, blind as a bat and prolific.  Who wouldn’t want to read my writing?

Which do you like best? Vote in the poll!

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7 responses to “Am I Literarial, Or What?”

  1. Tracy Weitz says:

    Definitely #3. Cats scare me.

  2. kc says:

    #5 fer sher. You said “dangle”…

  3. Matt says:

    I think you should use them all, in the form of a mosaic.

  4. Tunzel says:

    Oh, we forgot the reclining author photo: on your back, some gold jewelry and a smile that says, “I’m not going anywhere until I win the Pen/Faulkner.”

  5. Juddy says:

    We were hoping for something topless, but in lieu of that, I’d say #5. America needs a little more double eyeglasses in its life.

  6. Laurie says:

    I’d buy a book from Author #2. Oh the stories that cat could tell.

  7. mj says:

    Number one, with the Doris Kearns Goodwin, is safe, although it may lead folks to believe you condone plagarism. So, any publisher that would accept the cat-wrasslin’ photo, is one I’d shell out my dough for.

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