When I was Malc’s age, parents held Chicken Pox/German Measles/whatever...While visiting Tunzel and Matt, I was treated to quite a rare luxury on the airplane. Before you go jumping to conclusions about a hot stewardess and an unlimited stash of peanuts, let me tell you that my tastes are pretty simple: free time. Being a stay at home parent brings a seemingly endless array of tasks that should get done during the day. An airplane ride, however, forces you to do nothing, and I relish every moment of it.
I decided that I would borrow Malcolm’s portable movie player and watch some movies on the 5-6 hour flight to and from Boston. The question then became, what should I watch? Sadly, I cannot just pick a movie that I want to see, there are a number of issues that I am forced to confront.
#1 – No dirty movies. On a recent flight the guy next to me watched what appeared to be “On Golden Blonde,” except that Ed Norton was in it. Satisfied that the appearance of a legitimate actor made the movie “Art” and not “Porn” I occasionally glanced over at the large computer screen next to me while pretending to read my book. This worked out extremely well, until the woman on my left looked at me (intently gazing at what appeared to be the “cowgirl” position), then looked at the computer screen to my right, and made a frowny face. Caught in a classic “Sophie’s choice,” I had to choose between watching “Sophie” and Ed Norton make friendly or reading my book. I lacked the personal restraint to avoid eye contact with Sophie, and after seeing the scorn on the face of the woman to my left, I vowed that I would never put anyone in the difficult situation of risking public scorn because they cannot avert their eyes from dirty movies.
#2- No tear jerkers. The second hurdle I had to overcome is my penchant for crying on the airplane. Mostly due to excessive consumption of white russians and weird little bottles of wine, I have cried during the following movies: My Giant, Jerry McGuire, and (I am pretty sure that no one has ever cried to this before) Mulan 2. Having been laughed at by high school girls, burly Texans, and my own wife, I wanted to steer clear of anything that could possibly tug on my heart strings, which, I guess, become even stringier at 30,000 feet.
#3- Cool movies only. I wanted my movie selections to emote some coolness on my part. Believe me, I am not cool, but everyone doesn’t need to know this right away.
This is why I need help for people to think I am cool
I figure that if I watch cool movies people around me will think that the aroma around me is “hipness” and not “Funion breath.” I also think that the right choice in movies could even bring closer to my ultimate dream of getting into a bathroom with a hot stewardess and an unlimited amount of peanuts.
So, the first movie I watched was Two Towers, the second movie in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I followed that up with Return of the King, the final Lord of the Rings movie. These movies had the benefit of being extremely long, which was good, but also had the unintended consequence of making me look like a total nerd. Since I was not consuming white russians, I kept my crying down to a few sniffles surrounding the consuming but unspeakable love between elf and dwarf. Even those were a little too much for the guy next to me, who just shook his head at me.
On the way home, I watched Rendition, a movie about our country’s policy of abducting suspected terrorists, taking them abroad and torturing them to get information from them. I didn’t really know what the movie was about, but I think I prefer racy Ed Norton scenes to a naked man being choked and electrocuted. I followed this up with Mel Brooks’ History of the World Part 1, but immediately turned it off when the first scene of the movie depicted 10 ape men masturbating wildly. I caught a break when the airline movie was the Will Ferrell movie Land of the Lost, followed by episodes of The Office and 30 Rock. I put my computer away, saddened by the fact that not a single person would think I am cool, that people still laugh at me for crying at silly times, and that hot stewardess with unlimited peanuts have been replaced by flight attendants selling cheese platters. Still, a kid’s gotta dream eh?
Tags: paul in public
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October 30th, 2009 at 11:11 am
How’s this: Brian’s Song and Marley & Me for the flight over, then Shaving Private Ryan and Riding Miss Daisy for the flight home.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Common Juddy, everyone knows that the movie is Shaving Ryan’s Privates.
I forgot to add Momma Mia to my list of “tear jerkers.”