We attended a fundraiser for Malcolm’s school last weekend. The big entertainment for the evening was a magician. I am afraid of magicians (like some people are afraid of clowns) and I really didn’t want to go. The good folks at the school had the wisdom to have a wine tasting at the event, so we ended up attending the event. I had to turn my back to the stage during the show, and the squeals from the kids were like little daggers in my ears, but we had a mostly good time.
We ordered a lot of wine, so they decided to drop off the wine at the school for pickup yesterday. I have never been so excited to pick up Malcolm at school! It is really a no brainer, combine school related events with alcohol and you will find that parents suddenly have a reason to participate (other than caring about the future welfare of their kids.) I was so excited by the idea, that I dreamt up ways of capitalizing on this idea.
1. Hold PTA meetings at bars. I have never been to a PTA meeting, but who wouldn’t want to go to a bar? I imagine that PTA meetings are held in the library and are very quiet, causing people to be nervous and for disagreements to be quite uncomfortable. A cool bar with kickin’ music and super snacks would cut through the nervous energy at such events, and would allow people to freely express their feelings about the educational process. As the drinks continued to pour, people would get in contentious fights and begin screaming at each other at the top of their lungs while AC DC played in the background. At a bar, you can scream at somebody and threaten to remove their skull, and then hug it out when you get outside thebar. At a library, not so much. Also, people hook up at bars and is there a better way for people in the PTA to get to know each other than hooking up at a bar?
2. Wine bar at the library. If you want to increase patronage at your local library, open some zinfandel! It is a perfect pairing with all things literary. Granted, beer or hard liquor at the library seems rather pedestrian, but wine seems like a nice fit. There would, however, have to be pretty tough limits on how much each parent could drink: you can’t have wasted readers shouting at the library.
3. Beer at little league and soccer games. They are sporting events, beer should be served.
4. Do parent-teacher conferences at a restaurant. Parents barely know the person who is perhaps most responsible for their child’s development over a year. Get to know them! Don’t do it at a lame conference at night sitting in a desk designed for someone one-third the size of you. Go out and enjoy yourselves. Have a cocktail, drink some wine, get a little loosie goosie! Before long the teacher will tell you who the real assholes in the school are and which parents are the worst. Actually, I don’t want to do this last one. I fear that the answers may be Malcolm and me, respectively, especially if people find out that I am the guy bringing beer to the little league game.
Tags: drinking
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And just think of all those innovative ideas that will be born at the PTA meeting!
If these changes had been instituted earlier I might have considered having children.
Funny thing is that you wouldn’t have been able to remember that you had kids!