A Tale of Two Wines

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Blank of the Blank

I love drinking wine. It is a national pastime here, and the availability of excellent wine at a reasonable cost is a huge draw. If you go to a restaurant, you will often find that a pretty decent house wine costs much less than a soda. (Plus, wine makes you giggly, while soda rots your teeth and makes you diabetic.) We end most every day with our feet kicked up and a glass of wine in our hands. We are totally spoiled.

Here are two noteworthy wines of late:

Wine #1: Domaine Noel Girard. This wine is from the area, “Pouilly Fuisse,” which translates roughly as “Fussy Chicken.” It is grown in the Burgundy Region, close to the center of France. It is made exclusively from Chardonnay grapes.

I love this wine. Normally, white wines want to take me down I path I have no interest in. I really don’t like overly dry wines, overly sweet wines or wines that taste like lawn clippings or rose petals. After drinking most white wines, I feel as if my mouth has been ravaged by a bee, which really isn’t a good quality for something you put in your mouth. I recognize that my comfort zone for white wines is pretty small.

           Heck Ya!

Heck Ya!

This wine, however, is like your stoner friend in college. It is chill, easy going and just wants to imagine a better world to live in. It doesn’t wear a hat, but I am sure that if it did, it would be rastafarian. This wine is simple, not trying to be too anything. It’s flatness is a virtue, promising nothing remotely close to a series of bee stings. If you really want to search, you can find some pear and tiny hints of butter, like the feint odor of bong water you could detect on your college pal. It is crisp, but not too crisp, like a Cheetoh that has been found after sitting for several hours lost in your couch cushions. I love this wine and will go to it often once the weather is nicer.

Words I would use to describe this wine: Sunshine, Citrus-Cleanliness, Springtime, Smiling Hippy.

Words I would not use to describe this wine: Grassy, Gassy or Floral. Racist.

Wine 2: Le Blah-Blah-Blah. I think the winery knew this wine was a stinker. The name on the bottle is tiny and the cursive is ornate to the point of illegibility. At least I think so. I just drank a good deal of that white wine, so I can’t see so good now. Whatever the winery is, it was grown in Saumur-Champigny, which is smack dab in the middle of the Loire Valley. It is made up predominantly of Cabernet Franc, and Francly, I think this wine is terrible.

Hell No!

Hell No!

This wine smells like an old person sitting upon a large pile to flowers, all well past their prime. Mind you, this isn’t a casual, passing whiff, either; this is grabbing their stale blue hairpiece and really getting your nose down into it, taking every sad experience they’ve ever had into your nasal canal. Then, you taste: tasting gives the sensation that you have released the head of your geriatric rotten flower lounger and commenced licking the folds in his/her neck, constantly discovering new flavors you wished never existed. Do I detect Lycra from the 70’s? Is that a perfume you bought on vacation, only to find out it was old goat water? What kind of mint is that? Vapor rub? I can’t seem to taste this wine without every muscle in my face recoiling in horror. It’s bad. I can’t even finish the glass.

Words I would use to describe this wine: moth balls, beef jerky soaked in rose water, angry hornets in your mouth.

Words I would NOT use to describe this wine: pleasant, drinkable, worth a dollar.

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6 responses to “A Tale of Two Wines”

  1. Todd O says:

    I think you have found your calling. I taste about 50 wines a week for our list and will now use the words “lycra from the 70’s” in my notebook. Salut!

  2. scott l says:

    Thanks so much for this review Paul. You have taken me from someone who knew nothing about wine to someone who knows next to nothing about wines….p.s. i still laugh when i remember your post c. 2009 using the term ‘misunderstood Nazi’

  3. Regina says:

    I can’t wait to try fussy chicken. Oh wait, I have 6 of those.

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