We are set to enjoy another Halloween with Malcolm this year. As I see it, there are three ways of parenting around Halloween: 1- give up all parental responsibility and let your child run wild, 2- try some smart parenting techniques to limit the potential damage, and 3- be an asshole and tell your kid that Halloween only comes on leap years. I enjoy raiding Malcolm’s candy stash, so option 3 is not going to work. I do not enjoy cleaning up candy vomit in Malcolm’s bed, so 1 isn’t going to work either. That leaves option 2, but leaves the question, “How do you limit the damage?”
First, steal all the really good stuff from your kids. This will reduce the overall quantity of their candy intake, and also being laying the groundwork for teaching how taxation works. It does, however, create the risk of me getting even chubbier, but I figure that they are certain things I must do for my child’s well being regardless of the consequences.
Second, use the candy as a motivational tool. Malcolm usually doesn’t get to eat sweets at home, but whenever he has a candy stash like he does after Halloween, I hold it over his head like a baby seal hunter with an oar. I swear to god, if that kid even looks at me cross eyed, I tell him that he is not getting his allotted piece of candy for the day. Nothing motivates kids all the time, but the chance to select a piece of candy from the Halloween stash works better than almost anything else.
Third, serve high protein foods prior to the candy orgy on Halloween. I heard from another parent at Malcolm’s school (and corroborated on the internet) that having your kid eat cheese before consuming large quantities of candy will lessen the tooth decaying powers of the candy. So, before you head out to trick our treat, shove a pile of salami and cheese down your kid’s pie hole in the name of good dental health.
Lastly, when your child asks you to run around naked on the street at the end of the night, tell him/her, “No.” Malcolm did this last year, and trust me, the junior high and high school kids (and their parents) won’t think it is as funny as you do. Let your kid spazz out in the comfort of their own home. It also makes people think you have chosen option 1 for dealing with halloween, and that does not feel good.
Have a great Halloween everyone!
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