Malcolm and I went to the Alameda County Fair. We had a great time, we saw a sweet model train set, petted everything from a peacock to a Llama, rode rides, saw funny shows and ate garbage. We had so much fun that we skipped Malcolm’s nap and left after dinner, Malcolm falling asleep on the way home. All in all there the day was a smashing success, the kind of day you dream about before you have kids and wonder what it will be like to be a parent.
The only downside is the knack that I have for hating people. Sometimes they can tell that I hate them, sometimes they can’t, but put me around a group of people for long enough and I am gonna hate some of them. Since I was at the fair for 8 hours today, I developed quite a list:
1. Model Train Engineer Guy. Since Malcolm is so excited by model trains, I can forgive the socially awkward 50 year old men who still play with choo choo trains. What I cannot forgive is the engineer today who dropped his can of soda, and thought that the very next thing that he needed to do was open it. Seriously! He opened a can of soda right after dropping it. Of course, the soda exploded, like you would expect a can of soda to, and the reach of the blast extended to a good deal of train track, and sadly, my hat.
I gave him the stink eye, but his friend standing next to me said everything that needed to be said, “Why did you do that?”
2. Lady with scaredy cat kid. Malcolm is no angel, I know this. So when the carnie opened the gates to the jeep ride and all the kids made a mad dash to pick out their favorite jeep, I could have chastised Malcolm for running in front of an older kid who, for some reason was frozen in his tracks. I didn’t though and the kid Malcolm cut in front of burst into tears, pointing to Malcolm’s jeep and saying, “that was myyyyyy jeep.” 
This was especially ridiculous because there were still 4 seats available in the jeep, including the driver seat. The kid’s mom sneered at me, picked up her kid, and said, “I know, that little boy cut in front of you and took your jeep, didn’t he. We’ll wait for the next ride.” What are you talking about lady? There are four open seats in there! This is a fair, sometimes your kid will share a ride. Quit raising a drama queen.
3. Carnies. 
I realize that everyone needs work, and that some jobs are better than others, but why do carnies have to be so sketchy? Everywhere I went I was shouted at by hawkers. At first I tried to be polite, “no thank you, not today, gotta get to a show!” But they continue to sell even after you politely tell them no. So, after 6 hours of this, I started to lose it, “No! We don’t want an enormous inflatable Spongebob! Because we have no use for a fucking goldfish!” etc. etc. The way they sell you is creepy, too. Instead of, “Hey there, hey there, step right up, every one’s a winner here,” its “Does your son want something big and furry?” Ewwwwwww. If Malcolm ever wants to work at a carnival I am going cry.
4. Swearing parents. I love swearing. My favorite word of all time is Mother Fucker. I like to call people who don’t swear, “asshole.” Things change, though, when you have a kid. Things you used to do (get falling down drunk and sleep all the next day, hunting homeless people with a compound bow etc) are no longer acceptable, and you have to carve out special time to do them. I think swearing definitely falls into this category. Try not to swear until your kids know the difference between swearing (which will get them into trouble at school) and nice language. At the fair, a couple (drinking Coors Light at 11 am) ran around with their kids saying things like, “I don’t give a shit, git away from that tractor!” And, “Put that stupid fucking shovel down!” I couldn’t believe it, as usually when parents swear its because they have just hurt their knee on something. These people definitely didn’t play by the rules, and I felt sad for their mother fucking kids, who are gonna have a hard time when the grow up knowing what, exactly, normal is.
5. Magicians. I took Malcolm to a magician’s show, and it hurt. This guy was very good at doing tricks (errr “Illusions”) but his whole shtick was creepy. I guess magicians are the carnies of the entertainment world, and this guy was no different. He spoke out of the side of his mouth like the Penguin on Batman, or Dick Cheney, and kept looking around like he was expecting the cops to come and bust him at any moment. His voice was hushed, as if hungover and embarrassed about what he did the night before. Also, I couldn’t be sure, but is seemed like his shoes were on the wrong foot. If I had my choice between Malcolm becoming a Carnie or becoming a magician, I honestly don’t know how I would instruct him. I would hope that he would be a stay at home dad, and learn the joy of taking his son to the county fair.
Tags: paul in public
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Three things: Thanks for being a frequent blogger lately. Regina and I, between diaper changes, feedings, and sleep, like having something genuinely funny to laugh at, as opposed to pretend laughing at Dora or Diego. Second, we need to work on your Carnie love. Give it time, it'll come. Also, clowns. Don't forget to hate fucking clowns.
Thanks for note Jud. I am trying to Blog more regularly, just to see if I can do it. (Actually, that's not true. You know what's true? Everything I do, I do it for you…) Glad you are enjoying it! Now keep that baby quiet!
[...] the fair the previous two years and really enjoyed ourselves. If you want to read about it, click here or here (but don’t click here!) You’ll notice that Amy has never gone with us to the [...]