Q & A, Week 5

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Q & A
Laurie from Big Sky asks: Any advice on making my teenager’s shoes smell better?

Yes. Every night, put the rotting carcass of a fish in our your own shoes. It will take some getting used to, but this is pretty much the only way to grow to accept the youthful smelly shoe problem. I suffered from it myself, with my shoes being described as “rank” and “unholy” and everything in between. Somehow the bodies’ PH levels change over time, as my shoes now smell like a wonderful apple orchard in fall. Don’t know why, it just happened. Keep tight, and in about 15 years, the problem will resolve itself. Then, and only then, should you stop putting rotting fish in your shoes every night.

You’re welcome!

Tony from Albany asks whether he should feel bad that his infant saves up a poop for when his wife walks in the door from work.

Absolutely not. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Parenting a child is not the mutual, supportive team oriented game that some make it out to be. No, parenting is war, and a no-holds-barred type of war at that. It is a constant struggle to see who can put in the least amount of work and still have the kid like them the best. You should be laughing out loud when you walk out of the room and say something to the effect of, “That’s funny, he doesn’t take a dump every time he sees me. Hmmph. Strange.”  Even if your kid has pooped 12 times while your wife was gone, lie to your wife and say that you never had to. You: 1, Wife: 0.

Big Daddy Bob (my very own dad) from Bakersfield asks: “Where did we go wrong?”

You had kids!

Never saw this one coming, eh? BTW, that IS beer in that baby bottle...

Never in a million years did you think one day you’d be reading the profanity laced silliness from your sweet little child on the internet. Well, kids are really good at surprising their parents. Most of the time it isn’t the good, “Hey, I washed your car for you!” kind of surprise, it’s the “Hey, I got arrested!” or “Hey, can I borrow some money?” kind of surprise. I guess it goes with the job. Whether it’s stinking up the car with nasty smelling sneakers, pooping on cue when mommy comes home, or creating shock and awe with a risque blog, kids make it difficult for parents to like them. And yet, parents find a way. I am not sure what your plans on sunday are, but maybe it would be a good time for you to give one of your parents a good kind of surprise. I know I am. So, to all you moms out there, I say to you, Happy Mother’s Day.

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6 responses to “Q & A, Week 5”

  1. brad says:

    if I were your mom I’d be afraid, very afraid.

  2. Louise says:

    Somehow the bodies’ PH levels change over time, as my shoes now smell like a wonderful apple orchard in fall.

    Hate to disillusion you, but it has more to do with old age than PH levels – you lose your sense of smell as you pile on the years.
    Oooh, there you are, there’s an advantage to old age after all!

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