Q & A, Week 6

Posted by Big Daddy Paul in Q & A

Jack hall asks: Do you like cows?

Cows are great, but elephants are better!

I don’t know you Jack Hall, but I must say I like your style. To answer your question, cows are stupid animals who eat, fart and poop all day. So, it safe to say I am insane with jealousy. I therefore do not like cows.

Scott Wilson asks: I imagine I am supposed to know this, but what is a “rave”? (Scott is my father-in-law)

A rave is a party for young people with lights shows, loud music and rampant drug and alcohol abuse. Behind becoming a cow, it is the thing I would most like to do in my life. I don’t really see it being your scene, but then again, you may be the life of the party, provided you follow these three rules. First: wear a banana hammock and paint your entire body with glow in the dark paint. Second: Suspend your dislike of loud, pulsating music and learn to groove to such bands as “Schpongle” and “Infected Mushroom.” Third: Drop acid. It may not go especially well with your diabetes medication, but that definitely WON’T be the weirdest drug concoction at the party. So go, live free and have a good time. Let me know how it goes.

Larissa asks: How do you deal with kids that don’t follow the rules (aka act like assholes) when they play at your house?

I think this may be one of our friends using an assumed name wondering what to do when Malcolm comes over. I’ll answer it anyways. Kids who act like assholes need to be broken, like a wild mustang. After experimenting with different approaches, I have decided on the oven as my primary means of dealing with repeat offenders.  After a kid breaks the rules for the third time, I take out the shelves in the oven and stuff the kid right in there. I then get down and tell them through the window that I am going to turn on the broiler if they don’t start behaving. Older, taller kids may not fit in there, so you’ll have to double them over like a slice of pizza. After sweating them out for a few minutes, you’ll transform those zeroes to heroes.

Kramer posits the following: I am 19 years old and a freshman in college.  I have 2 roommates, one is my older brother and the other is a random senior from our football team that’s like 25 and moving out after this semester.  Recently (about the past 2 weeks) he decided to quit cleaning anything included dishes.  Half of our sink is now full of dirty dishes and the pile has spread to take up half of our counter space.  He’s lived in the house for 4 years now and is older than me, how do i tell him to pick up after himself because I’m sick of our house smelling like shit?

Kramer. At many points during my life, I have been the “dirty senior” you speak of, and I can honestly tell you that it is very important not to hurt his feelings. The slob, if frightened will nervously spray you with shit, and trust me, you don’t want that. The easiest thing to do is just give up and become a total slob yourself. You can learn a lot about yourself if you live in complete and utter filth. Will you eat garbage? How long can you go in the same underwear? Is mold really bad for you? It is time to start learning and stop cleaning. Good luck!

Great questions people keep ’em coming!

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